After losses last week by the New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings, I’m pretty sure that makes it official:

A team’s being praised in this column is a death sentence.

Any team I laud as being unbeatable or the best of the best immediately goes out and gets smoked the next week, that or does something unforeseen. Cleveland wins back-to-back games after I call them the least talented, worst team in the league. Minnesota gets destroyed by Carolina after I anoint them the best non-undefeated team in the league, and the man I say is the reason for that supposed “distinction,” Brett Favre, starts a fight with his coach that looks to undermine the entire season the two men have built thus far.

By calling Minnesota the best non-undefeated team, there’s the implication that New Orleans and Indianapolis, heading into last weekend, were the two best teams in the league. Indy barely won and New Orleans got crushed at home against the Cowboys.

Going forward, I must only analyze. There will be no more bold declarations. Bold declarations serve little purpose, other than setting oneself up for disaster. For being made to look the fool. For being exposed as just like everyone else, full of opinions and conjecture that may or may not pan out.

Catching talking heads engaged in such behavior has been The Daily Show’s gravy train for years. I love The Daily Show. I should have known better. There are few things as funny in this 24-hour news cycle culture as seeing somebody say something in one clip, immediately after which they say something at a later date in direct opposition to what they said in the first one, and in both clips say what they say with the same degree of certainty and smug assuredness.

Perhaps it’s not my fault, though. Last week was as out-of-control a week as there’s been all season. The top two teams in the NFC lost, Detroit almost caught Arizona, Pittsburgh beat Green Bay on a last-second TD pass, the Bengals almost forced overtime in San Diego before Phil Rivers (and a missed call by the referees that certainly would have helped Cincy’s cause) took the game back, the Giants embarrassed the Redskins on Monday Night in a game featuring the worst fake field goal anyone alive has probably ever seen, the Eagles went berserk, the Pats won a defensive struggle…

I could go on. Considering how nuts things got last week, maybe I should not sell-out a manner of doing business. After all, I’m more than happy to see Minnesota collapse amidst internal strife, if such a thing is in the offing. New Orleans probably needed to lose a game to remember what it felt like, to not collapse under the weight of expectation carried by that undefeated record.

Were I not to follow the lead of my brothers and sisters on the television and pop off at the mouth whether or not I’m consistently proven wrong, then what would become of this column? What would its purpose be?

Never mind. Forget what I said earlier. These days, it doesn’t matter whether or not you are right or wrong, but instead whether or not you’re talking shit. After all, how will people hear what you have to say if you do not say it?

In summation, it looks like the Indianapolis Colts are the team to beat in the NFL this year. The Bengals will go by the wayside and will not win a playoff game. The Titans will not make the playoffs. Charles Woodson will not win Defensive Player of the Year. New Orleans will not make the Super Bowl. Minnesota remains the best team in the NFC. The Eagles have no shot at the #2 seed. Peyton Manning will run away with the MVP. Mike Holmgren will turn the Browns around in two years and the Steelers will make the playoffs.

Mark it down! This all WILL happen, by God. I guarantee it!

(wink, wink)

***

As you follow your favorite team these last few weeks of the season, it is important to separate what matters from what does not.

Here’s what matters: winning.

Here’s what does not: any other white noise coming from the media.

Two weeks ago, Tony Romo was a loser chump who couldn’t win in December on a team destined to blow their playoff spot, and Brett Favre the calm and collected leader of a juggernaut that could not be stopped. The Vikings lose two of three and Dallas beats New Orleans, and now Romo has saved his career and the Cowboys’ season and Favre is fighting with his coach and Minnesota is no longer a sure thing.

The Chargers have rattled off nine straight and from the looks of them last week are a force to be reckoned with. Similar story in Philly.

(And what did I call, during the preseason, as this year’s Super Bowl match-up? SD-Philly. Due to what we discussed above, there is no chance of this happening, but I’m glad the boys are showing out and proving me not to be a total nincompoop.)

And this makes me nervous for my Bengals. Sitting at 9-3 and undefeated in our division, oh man was life ever good. Sitting at 9-5 after two straight losses to playoff teams (both games on the road, but still) amidst the still-to-be-determined emotional toll of losing a teammate so suddenly in the middle of a season? Not so good.

The Giants and Steelers appear to have waited too long to turn things around, and although the Packers lost to Pittsburgh on Sunday they’d won five straight to firmly entrench themselves in a wild card playoff spot. A one-point loss on the road at Pittsburgh is not something to lament too heartily (although giving up 500 passing yards to Ben Roethlisberger is cause for concern.)

The Broncos were the darlings of the NFL two months ago, but they’re 2-6 since the 6-0 start, putting Denver on-track for the “9-7 Playoff Missing Kyle Orton Special.”

In my years as a Bengals fan, I’ve seen plenty of teams roll into December at 3-9 and rattle off a few victories because they’ve stopped caring and better teams stopped approaching every game with the same single-minded focus, forgetting that no matter what is being said about them, the focus must always be on winning. This is why Oakland all the sudden is one of the Teams No One Wants to Play. Sure, it’s Oakland, but they’re professional athletes with pride in their ability and anger at the way things have played out so far this season. If a team shows up expecting them to play terribly, then that team doesn’t deserve to go to the playoffs. That team deserves to be beaten. And these wins, though somewhat meaningless, still give the Raiders a modicum of good feeling heading into what figures to be a tumultuous offseason.

Winning. That’s what counts in December. Ugly wins, pretty wins, playoff teams or also-rans. ESPN had a perma-boner last week talking about whether or not Randy Moss quit on his team, but an ugly win over Buffalo in which Moss caught a touchdown pass clicnhed their division, moved them to the #3 seed, and shut that talk up real fast.

Keep the good side of the record tallying northward. Nothing else matters.

***

And, last but not least, the Satire on the Rocks Plea for Sanity:

Dear Cincinnati Bengals,

My beloved, sweet Bengals. If you win your home game against Kansas City this weekend, you will clinch the division. You will lock up a home playoff game. You will be afforded an opportunity, if you so choose, to let your principle playmakers rest the last week of the season on what figures to be a frigid day in the Meadowlands. You will save yourselves a week of worry. You will give your fans two weeks of joy and relaxation.

If you lose out and Baltimore wins out, there goes the division. There goes the home game. There goes a season’s worth of grinding and hard-fought battles, close wins, and renewed civic pride. It’s been an emotional, borderline existential season. It needs to end with something valid coming for all that effort. A division title. A home playoff game.

And guess who’s coming to town? Kansas City, fresh off a home-field loss to the Browns. The fucking Browns, man! Kansas City has been a disaster this year, too young, everyone too new to the system, little working out in their favor and plenty of losses beleaguering a proud franchise. They appear to have a nice piece in Jamal Charles, Dwayne Bowe is healthy, Matt Cassel is capable of throwing for big yardage, and Chris Chambers is excelling.

They also have a terrible defense, perhaps the worst offensive line in the league, a coach who has given little sign he has any idea what he is doing, and a black cloud hanging over them wherever they go. They have only beaten Washington, Oakland, and Pittsburgh. They have scored twenty points or more only five times in fourteen games so far this season, one of those coming against Cleveland last week.

In short, there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for you to lose to them. None. Kansas City is bad, the game will be played in Cincinnati, and you, the Bengals, have something beyond pride to play for. To quote the head coach from Rudy, nobody comes into our house and pushes us around.

We understand it’s been a rough couple of weeks. A win to clinch the division will provide a remarkable amount of catharsis and good feeling while simultaneously then allowing everyone to take a deep breath and ease up in the meaningless final game of the season, deal with issues, deal with life, and come back refreshed for that home playoff game.

We need this, fellas. One game. One win. At home. Over a shitty team who can do no better than play the 1990s Cincinnati Bengals Memorial Role of spoiler. The Chargers and the Broncos beat these guys by a combined score of 87-27 in consecutive games a couple weeks back.

No excuses. No letdown. Finish strong. Give us that one last regular season victory that locks everything up. If you win this weekend, against Kansas City at home, you then have two weeks to take whatever time you need.

Just once, guys. Come on. You can do this, I promise.

Until next time,

The minds behind Satire on the Rocks