Atlanta’s triumph over Milwaukee Sunday afternoon brought an official close to the first round of the NBA playoffs. This being the case, we at Satire can move on to our…

Second Round Preview! Yoooooooooo!

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But before we get to the predicting, let’s take a look back at how we did looking into the first round’s future.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

LA Lakers over OKC in 6 – Bingo: And it went just like we said, the Lakers experience and savvy winning out over the Thunder’s youth and enthusiasm. If they can keep this Oklahoma City team together, they will be a force out West for years and years. Once teams like these Lakers are done, of course.

Dallas over SA in 6 – Swing and a miss (SA won in 6): To our credit, we did say the Greg Popovich vs. Rick Carlisle coaching match-up was this series’ Wild Card. Dallas’ 2009-10 season was like a long, rambling joke that died when the punch line dropped.

Phoenix over Portland in 5 – Almost (won in 6): I’m telling you, Phoenix is really good. If Jason Richardson keeps up his Vinnie Johnson/James Worthy/Scottie Pippen impression these next few weeks, no one can touch them. And he only has to really go off every other game or so. Nash and Amare have yet to do much heavy lifting.

Utah over Denver in 6 – Bingo: You look at some match-ups and the answer just seems obvious. There was no way Denver was beating Utah without George Karl on the bench.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Cleveland over Chicago in 4 - Almost (won in 5): The Bulls got one game, but this series was D.O.A. Other than Lebron’s monster Game 4 (37, 12, 11), this was as entertaining as watching someone slaughter a goat.

Orlando over Charlotte in 5 – Almost (won in 4): Ditto. I’m not sure anyone on Orlando other than Jameer Nelson (two 32-point games, led team in assists each game) sweated during this series. I’m positive Vince Carter didn’t.

Atlanta over Milwaukee in 7 – Bingo: Too much talent in Atlanta. It was the best series of the first round, though, and featured everything the NBA hopes to get out of its playoff tournament: excitement, athleticism, close games, and entertaining finishes.

Miami over Boston in 7 – Swing and a miss (Boston won in 5): Overestimated Miami’s season-ending 9-1 run to the five-seed, underestimated the subversive nature of their completely uninspiring roster; underestimated Boston’s pride, overestimated their uninspiring end to the regular season. Sometimes, you’re just way off, and we were with this pick. It happens.

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As to the conversation topics revealed by this first round…

Dwyane Wade – You have to be kidding me, Pat Riley, surrounding a superstar like D-Wade with this sorry excuse for a roster. If his supporting case were worth half a fuck, the Heat would have beaten the Celtics. Instead, he was saddled with Quentin Richardson (who for some reason ran his mouth and fired up a sleeping Celtics team), Jermaine O’Neal (a shell of his former All-Star self), Michael Beasley (whose talent was more nondescript than anyone knew heading into the 2008 Draft), and a bunch of nobodies. Only Dorrell Wright seems like a guy who’d have a shot to play on any other playoff team, and his ass has taken five years to develop the most basic competence. Wade should flee Miami for a greener pasture this summer, some new team that will give him an actual shot at winning by pairing him with competent, talented teammates. Chicago makes sense, but anywhere else would be better than Miami. The last time he made a deep playoff run with polished teammates who knew what they were doing, he was positively electric while carrying his team to an NBA title. I hope we get to see him on the big stage again sometime soon.

The Bucks – Life isn’t fair. Anyone who followed the Milwaukee Bucks’ season knows that Andrew Bogut’s injury ended what could have been the feel-good story of the young sports year. So it goes. It was a magical season in Milwaukee that saw a moribund franchise do a 180 thanks to Bogut’s maturation and the top eight teams picking in last year’s draft passing on Brandon Jennings. John Salmons arrived at the right time, Scott Skiles excels coaching gritty underdogs, and if not for Bogut going down something incredible may have happened. Oh well. Bad things happen. It was a great season regardless.

No real upsets – Yes, San Antonio was the seven-seed and they beat second-seeded Dallas. And yes, Utah was a five-seed and they beat fourth-seeded Denver. However, Dallas only finished with five more wins in the regular season than San Antonio, and Denver and Utah had identical records. In the Western playoffs this year, there is minimal distinction between haves and have-nots, as opposed to the East, where the championship-caliber teams were head and shoulders above their counterparts (and yes, by extension I’m saying Atlanta is not championship caliber). This year’s Western Conference is a stack of wild cards. Throw them into the air, and see what lands face up.

Dwight Howard – Recently a number of commentators, the Sports Guy most notable among them, have taken Dwight Howard to task for not having morphed into a combination of Hakeem Olajuwon, Moses Malone, Bill Russell, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar yet. This is probably because Howard’s physical presence makes him seem like some sort of real life superhero. Look at those arms! That upper body! The guy’s a freak of nature. He’s also a “good Christian” who doesn’t drink or smoke or party or curse or do much other than work out, play basketball, act goofy, and pray. His team went to the Finals last year and has a decent shot to do so again this year. He has a fairly limited offensive game and hasn’t developed much in the way of touch or a drop step, but opposing teams can’t leave him alone underneath because he’ll dunk on anybody. He can’t shoot free throws very well, but neither could nor can Shaq (four titles and counting). As evidenced last year, if his teammates get hot four out of seven games, Howard’s presence underneath is more than enough to win. No one drives on him, and weak stuff brought into his house gets served. Any other team would trade half its roster for him. So he’s a nice guy. There is nothing essentially wrong with that, and no team dominated its opponent more thoroughly in the first round than Orlando.

Dirk Nowitzki – It is starting to look like a Dallas team led by Dirk Nowitzki is incapable of winning an NBA title. The coming-out party has never quite materialized. It was supposed to have been in 2006, when Dallas lost in the Finals to Miami after jumping out to a 2-0 lead. Then the next season, they finished with the fourth-best regular season record of all-time and were ungraciously waxed by Golden State, only the second time ever an eight-seed beat a top-seed in the first round. This year, Dallas had the best road record in the league and looked ready to take over, and the Mavs were smoked by the likes of Richard Jefferson and George Hill. Mark Cuban has unlimited resources, but he has insisted on taking gambles on lousy (Erick Dampier), old (Jason Kidd), or inconsistent (Tim Thomas) talent. Did you know that Dallas twelfth-man Matt Carroll made almost five million dollars this season? In what world does that make any sense? And so I ask you: why wouldn’t Dirk Nowitzki test the free agent market? He has an opt-out clause for this summer, and lots of teams have cleared cap space. Why wouldn’t he see what he could fetch on the open market? Where he might land? He’s set up for life in Dallas, but his tenure as The Man in Big D has yielded mixed results at best. And doesn’t anyone remember what happened to Steve Nash once he left? Dirk should at least see what’s out there. He’d be crazy not to.

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With that out of the way, onto Satire’s Fearless Second Round Predictions!

Phoenix vs. San Antonio – Every year it seems these two get a piece of each other, and every year something happens that prevents the Suns from getting over the hump. No one can argue with San Antonio’s bona fides, not with Tim Duncan’s brilliance nor Greg Popovich’s genius nor the way the front office has put the necessary tools in place for these two to get the most out of every playoff experience. This year has been no different, not after what looked to be an old and rusty Spurs team eviscerated what looked like a can’t-miss Dallas squad. Meanwhile, Phoenix, after losing the first game of the series, obliterated Portland. This isn’t the soft group Steve Nash piloted so often in the middle of last decade, either, but instead a collection of veterans young (Amare Stoudamire, Jason Richardson) and old (Grant Hill, Nash) who know what they do best and know how to do it in a playoff atmosphere. If ever Phoenix is to get past San Antonio and Steve Nash is to get to the NBA Finals, this is the year. Not sure about that second one, but I like their chances on the first.

Suns in 7

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LA Lakers vs. Utah – Oh, how I wanted to see the Lakers lose Game One of this series and officially announce them dead in the water. As usual, they won, thanks to that veteran savvy and some excellent defense. They’ve had Utah’s number in recent years, and they very well may this season. But then again, in Game One the Lakers both made and attempted more free throws than Utah, shot almost ten percentage points better from the field, outrebounded the Jazz, committed fewer fouls, and blocked five more shots, and only won by five points. The Jazz are as good a home team as the Lakers. Soon they get Andrei Kirilenko back from injury, and while he won’t be any kind of instant offense, he could very easily make up the five points by which Utah lost. If they can get one game in L.A., the Jazz will win this series. And it says here that they will.

Jazz in 6

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Boston vs. Cleveland – Thanks to Game One, we already know how the Cavs are going to win this series: they are better than Boston in every aspect other than championship experience. The Celtics were up by eleven in the third quarter of Game One, at which point you have to figure Lebron thought to himself, “What the hell’s going on? I’m Lebron James,” before unleashing Maximus-approved hell to the tune of 35 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists. There is no way Boston wins this series. None whatsoever. Cleveland took their best shot on the mouth and ended up running away with the game. The same goes for this series as a whole.

Cavs in 5

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Orlando vs. Atlanta – Atlanta is lucky life is so unfair. Had the Bucks been able to do anything inside, on either offense or defense, they would have won that series in six. Alas, the Hawks won in seven and now draw a division rival against whom they have had minimal success the last couple of seasons. They can neutralize Dwight Howard, maybe, and, one figures, Vince Carter (who will take himself out of at least two games in this series), but the ghost of Mike Bibby can’t guard Jameer Nelson and Orlando is deeper and more disciplined than the men of the A.T.L. It will take everything Al Horford, Josh Smith, and Joe Johnson have to win this series, and even that might not be enough. Unfortunately for them, they ran into the wrong second-round team. Orlando and Cleveland are on a collision course, and have been all season.

Magic in 6