I noticed the woman in the coffee shop had talked to several people in my vicinity. I wanted to know what she was talking to them about, so I allowed her to see some obvious interest on my part in the conversations she was having.  After a couple minutes, she approached with a smile.  She was not unattractive; I looked forward to our discussion.

Until I found out what she was talking to everyone about.

“Hello,” she began, “my name is Mrs. J____, and I work for W___ here in town.  I am walking around asking people for any advice they may have for my readers on how to meet local singles.”

The question struck me as odd and loaded.  She went on to inform me that she was writing an article on behalf of local single ladies who had written her to express their feeling that there are no places left in this world to meet good men.  I wanted to ask back, “What is the definition of ‘a good man’?”

Because I have news for all the lonely, angry, bitter single ladies lamenting the lack of “good men” in the world: there are men who are just as single and just as lonely as you EVERYWHERE in this country.  I know of several in Milwaukee, Chicago, and Nashville alone, good dudes, friends of mine, that would relish the opportunity to meet a local single lady looking for someone to hang out and have a good time with.

Similar guys are, quite literally, everywhere.  I promise.  I used to be one of them.  Currently I find myself in a rewarding long-term relationship, so I’m out of the game, but this wasn’t always the case.  There were many years before this, and many, many nights within those years, when, instead of a notebook and my favorite records, I wanted, nay needed, a somewhat but not particularly special lady to spend a night with, to have some laughs with, share some good times, and all the rest of it.

During this time I got a little crazy, and so I understand where you lonely and bitter ladies are coming from.  But again, let me assure you, you are not trying hard enough.  It’s very easy to sit somewhere and stew and get pissed and weirded-out because you find yourself alone; it is much more difficult and frightening to walk up to strangers and start up conversations.  But here’s the thing: you will never meet anyone inside a cocoon.

Success goes beyond walking up to strangers, though, this is true.  You have to know what to talk about; or, better yet, what not to talk about.  Make no mention of exes.  Make no mention of lifetime plans.  Do not discuss thoughts on God or child-bearing.  Read some books, listen to music, go to movies, read magazines, and develop opinions.  Talk about worthless crap and have some drinks.  There may be a reason guys get turned off when you start talking.  But you have to remember, it’s much easier for a woman to get a guy than it is a guy to get a woman, by a factor of ten at least.

I’m not making excuses for myself and my past, or for any other lonely dudes out there who aren’t trying as hard as they should.  It is simply a fact that, to paraphrase Chris Rock, every somewhat decent-looking woman in the world gets hit-on or eye-fu*ked seven or eight times a day at least.  Even if you don’t think you are that attractive, ladies, there is some guy you walked by today that saw you and thought, “Definitely.”  He gave you time to walk past him, so there’d be no awkward moment, but then he checked you out and assured himself that you would be a dynamo in bed, and the two of you would make beautiful music together.  He then moved on with his day, and said or thought the same thing to himself about the next halfway decent-looking woman that walked past him.  He probably wasn’t a date rapist, either, just some nerdy dude who is shy around ladies but shares the genetic libido all beings with a penis possess.

If I may be frank: your standards are probably too high.  There is nothing wrong with expecting the best, but don’t hold out hope for an idealized romantic encounter and then get angry when it doesn’t come true.  Perfection is difficult to attain, as I’m sure you know.  The best most of us can ever hope for is someone that gets us, or seems to get us, and a fun enough time in the wake of that simultaneous realization.  No one’s perfect, so don’t expect them to be. 

In all honesty, you wouldn’t know what to do with perfection anyway.  I told the woman from the TV station that the best place I’ve come across, if you don’t like clubbing and don’t want to feel like a flank steak, is a friendly neighborhood bar.  Belly up, have a couple beers, and attempt to strike up a conversation.  More often than not, there’s some easygoing local single trolling those exact watering holes, with a whole system worked out and everything.  And, every once in a while, a match is made in heaven.

Do not, however, expect the latter development.  All you can do is put yourself in a position to be available should such events transpire.  Now please, I beseech you, stop talking and whining and go do something about it.  Stop littering our popular culture with the woe-is-me routine.  Unless you are from Darfur, no it isn’t.

Single men, this goes double for you.  The competition is greater, far more intense, but you’d be amazed how friendly almost everybody gets after one pitcher of beer.