People use Facebook for a variety of reasons: social networking, cyber-stalking, opportunities to see scandalous pictures of female co-workers, etc. There have been a bevy of vapid Facebook trends, and one of the most recent is the 25 Random Things list.

1. 25 Random Things lists combine the annoyance of chain letters with the self-indulgence of blogging and the self-destructive tendency of humans, fostered by our artificial removal of natural selection, to reveal our pale, tender underbelly.

2. Chain letters are obnoxious. One of the so-called “rules” of 25RT is that anyone tagged in a given “author’s” list must submit his/her (let’s keep it real: her) own list. How about this: if you want to expose yourself, have some balls and expose yourself by yourself! (My buddy Brad sure did, and has the Taser burns and restraining order to prove it.) Why should other people be a part of your ass-showing? Also, if you have a question about someone, why don’t you ask them?

3. Most blogging is obnoxious. The majority of it is just digital diarrhea, devoid of research, coherent thought, insight, or accountability. Some of it is legitimate self-promotion or wisdom from people with some good things to say, but notice that those folks don’t do so in list format. And yes, I understand irony.

4. 25RT lists are mostly written by women. If you are a man and have written one, consider undergoing a few strategic medical incisions and extractions, along with one pretty significant inversion.

5. Despite the fact that most human beings care less about a 25RT list than they do about whether a given squirrel has Chlamydia, 25RT lists are posted publicly.

6. Most people who make 25RT lists are simply not that interesting, or choose to write about the most insipid topics. Oh, you like your cat, do ya? You watched the sun set over the Rocky Mountains, huh? Zzzzzz…. So do/have millions of other people – now don’t you feel special? On the other hand, if you are the guy who made pâté out of Mickey Mantle’s liver, type away.

7. 25RT “authors” tend not to be particularly skilled editors. Spring brake was definately fun, was it? You’re an asswhole. Nothing undermines what is intended to be a deep statement more effectively than misspelled words.

8. Many 25RT lists drag other people through the mud, revealing sensitive or private information about the victim. Look, just because you want to reveal what a dumbass you are, that doesn’t mean that your friend or significant other wants his poop-stained boxers line-drying for the world to see.

9. Some 25RT lists foolishly praise others. While I have not seen any 25 RT lists gushing over the revolutionary medical practices of Josef Mengele, I have seen a list where a girl bragged about the size of her boyfriend’s anatomy. Smooth move, miss: you just guaranteed that at least one of your lousy girlfriends will try to sleep with him. And probably one prone to “razor burn,” if you catch my drift. Though most men don’t hate such acknowledgment, don’t you think that revealing such details is his business?

10. 25RT lists often betray a marked lack of class. Nothing says “inferior chromosomes” quite like a sleeveless Busch racing shirt, except perhaps the revelation that you love playing Jaeger pong. I bet you end up having well-adjusted, talented children!

11. 25RT lists typically regurgitate the same litany of boring facts and themes: places visited, mundane interests and preferences, etc. How about spicing it up a bit? Do you enjoy sniffing your toenail fungus? Have you ever thought about a romantic rendezvous with a relative? Why do you hate yourself? C’mon, indulge our Coliseum mentality!

12. On the other hand, sometimes 25RT lists attempt to make poignant statements. While I can appreciate honesty and self-evisceration (figuratively, of course … most of the time), perhaps a 25RT list is not the best forum to offer a glimpse of a heavy load of emotional baggage. I am sympathetic to your difficult decision to have an abortion, but struck by the distastefulness of sandwiching it between an admission of your stubbornness and your love of hot air balloons.

13. 25RT lists will occasionally give a shout out to God, God’s Plan, or some suitable doppelganger. If you’re grateful for what you have, you should most accurately thank luck, but whatever. However, NOTHING is more repugnant than hearing some infantile douchebag attribute his/her own shortcomings to God’s Plan. Does everything happen for some divine Reason? No one knows, not the lecherous preacher you listen to, not the multi-doctorate astrophysicist, not Nostradamus – no one. But if you are a dipshit, an asshole, or some other variety of low-rent waste of DNA, don’t try to attribute that fact to the Almighty. Instead, acknowledge that your value as a human is quite limited and strive to make yourself worth a good goddamn.

14. 25RT lists will frequently give shout-outs to long-lost or existing pets. Rest assured: Fluffy would feast on your flesh to sustain her own life. So go closed-casket if you live alone and own pets.

15. 25RT lists often list life goals. Some are not only absolutely obvious, but would require exceptionally good fortune (“I want to retire a billionaire”). Such statements are not “goals” because they require no effort directed toward their achievement. Rather, they are futile wishes for extraction from an unsatisfying life, via deus ex machina.

16. 25RT lists often recite the trite distractions that the author counts among her interests. Well, I am interested in people NOT creating unnecessary thoughtless bullshit…

17. People tagged in a given 25RT list will sometimes comment on that list. Instead of truly pragmatic advice, such as “Learn to write with more skill than a fourth grader,” or “Delete this immediately,” they post meaningless affirmations such as “You’re super!” These people are not true friends; they are yes-(wo)men who will follow you off the cliff rather than telling you to turn around.

18. 25RT lists are posted in Facebook, which is essentially open to the public. This means that people other than your best friends can learn that you are a shallow fool. There are certain people who probably shouldn’t know that you don’t follow directions well, or that you love taking bong rips.

19. 25RT lists reveal more through implication that they do through explicit statements. For instance, from the bands you like, an outsider can learn that you know nothing about music. Oh, you “luv Britney’s new album,” do you? Off with your head!!!

20. 25RT lists are often redundant. Your task was to come up with only 25 random things about yourself, and you are repeating by number 14? If so, you should learn to pick more attainable goals.

21. 25RT lists often contain statements intended to show one-upmanship, such as bragging that you drug your feet when serving a customer who was rude. Here’s a hint: behaving passively and then bragging about it to your cowardly friends does not earn any gangster points.

22. 25RT lists often contain “random” things that are already known to all the people tagged in the note. That’s right – your 25 best friends already know that you can be a total bitch! Maybe you shouldn’t remind them, lest they question why you are friends.

23. I’ve seen 25RT lists with 26, 27, right on up to 30, items. It’s been awhile since I took a math class, but 25 = 25 here in the good ol’ US of A.

24. For these reasons, creating a 25RT list is a more pointless exercise than trying to wean Oprah off pork rinds and Faygo.

25. Am I taking these things too seriously? Maybe. But at the very least, these things should be accurately named. Instead of “25 Random Things,” they should be called “25 Poorly-Written, Misguided, and Worthless Pieces of Inane Drivel.”